youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
