I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
