yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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