dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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