I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Randomize
