it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
