i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Randomize
