Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Holy shit dude........stairs
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
