i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
