I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
