Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
My boob is missing a layer of skin
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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