It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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