I didn't shave. On purpose
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
