I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
