I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Randomize
