the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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