Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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