FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
