I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
