my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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