Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
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