My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
