The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
