So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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