How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
