Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
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