Kareoke will never be a sober sport
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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