Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
