he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I didn't notice because vodka
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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