A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Two words: blizzard sex
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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