And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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