I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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