just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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