can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
