so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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