if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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