Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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