Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Semen is not good for contacts.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
