I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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