My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Randomize
