The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize