I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
