...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
Quick, to the slutcave!
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
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