I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
he laminated a picture of his dick.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
