I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
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