Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
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