You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
