Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
