I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
