what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
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