are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
