I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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