dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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