So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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