Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
