So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
